tonight is yet another sleepless night. i cant believe it. i almost took the knife and slit my wrist. just that close to do it. i dont know why but i cant handle my own problems.

im thankful for the people around me. friends and enemies. they thought me well. how to be a better person. somehow i just turn back. sy said that my blog has a pattern. im moving forward then turning back. thats what i always do. i turn back. part of me wants to move on, the other doesnt. i know i have no chance at all to get back together. but something inside me doesnt want to let go. it just wants to keep on fighting. but the fight was over a long time ago. yet im fighting this invisible war againts myself. what is it, i do not know.

everyone around me has made a big impact towards my life. i adore every each and one of them. they give me strength. they give me courage. they give me what i need. friendship.

i always tell myself that i can do this. but deep inside i cant move on even though i want to so badly. everyone moved on. so why cant i? maybe its just hard to pick up the pieces over and over again. starting for scratch when i turn back. trying to run towards my safe point in the past. i guess it doesnt work anymore.

im such a failure. everything i do will always be negative. sigh.

rick.